


Speechless

by Lucigoosey_The_Lightbringer



Series: Renegades (Steven Universe: Homeworld AU) [12]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, Bittersweet Ending, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Homeworld au, I Am My Mom Gone Wrong, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Memory Loss, Light Angst, Past Brainwashing, Past Character Death, Past Kidnapping, Past Memory Loss, Renegades Steven Universe AU, Sad, Singing, Steven Universe Has PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Steven Universe Homeworld AU, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:55:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28380525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucigoosey_The_Lightbringer/pseuds/Lucigoosey_The_Lightbringer
Summary: And he had. He'd made the choice to go. It'll be your choice to stay here.| Post-IARQ (I Am Rose Quartz.)
Relationships: Amethyst & Steven Universe, Pearl & Steven Universe, Pumpkin & Steven Universe, Steven Universe & Agate, Steven Universe & Berry, Steven Universe & Candy, Steven Universe & Clementine, Steven Universe & Lemon Lime, Steven Universe & Sage, Steven Universe & Tangerine
Series: Renegades (Steven Universe: Homeworld AU) [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1918204
Comments: 16
Kudos: 32





	Speechless

Steven _sings._

He sings when he's bored, he sings when he's happy, he sings when he's sad. He sings at night when he's scared to sleep, afraid the nightmares will drag him in too deep for him to get out of. Mostly, he just sings because he can, because the music follows him _everywhere_ now, because he always makes sure he has his ukulele on him at all times. He bubbles it to store it in his gem when he's not using it, but these days it's a rare feat to see the hybrid without his instrument. The first time the Homeworld gems see it, when they return to the beach house at night after training, Steven's sitting on the couch tuning the ukulele to his liking. Amethyst is beside him, more or less focused on the television, and Pearl sits on the floor in front of the couch with her elbow propped up on the couch, saying how inseparable Steven and his instrument had been before, and how happy she was to see him getting back into music. The hybrid doesn't say anything, doesn't know what to say, but he smiles regardless as he continues on with his task.

He looks up, briefly, when Berry makes her way over to them, followed closely by a curious looking Candy and Lemon Lime. Tangerine is the next to follow, though she doesn't seem too interested in the ukulele yet, still somewhat buzzing with excitement from their training session. Berry, however, is _very_ interested, as she inches past Pearl and climbs up onto the couch to settle down on Steven's other side, eyeing the ukulele with cautious intrigue. "What's _that?"_

"It's my ukulele," Steven replies, smiling fondly down at the instrument for a moment. "It's an Earth instrument. You make music with it," he explains, strumming it a little just to show them.

(His heart bursts, his stomach twirls, he feels like he's floating- like he just might.)

"Ooh la _la._ " He's caught Tangerine's attention; he can't help but laugh, scooting over a little, when the Jasper climbs up and crams herself right in between a now irritated-looking Berry. "Do it again, that was…" Steven smirks, and he strums it again as requested, smile widening slightly.

_(Life and death and love and birth and)_

He does it again, dragging his fingers over the strings slowly. Tangerine looks absolutely transfixed, wide eyes fixed on the instrument. Lemon Lime and Candy fall into place near the couch, looking just as mesmerized as they lean forward and peer over each other to get a better look. Berry's eyes, however, continue to flit rapidly between Steven and the ukulele, and while Steven does notice her gaze from the corner of his eye, he doesn't look away from the instrument. He simply strums again, gently, then starts to play. Amethyst, with a grin, leans forward to mute the television and turns back to him, shifting over a little when Berry ends up pushing herself up and climbing around to squeeze herself in between Steven and Amethyst.

"He wrote our theme song with that thing," she tells the gems proudly, the corners of her lips quirking up. Steven feels a rush of heat flush across his face despite himself, lifting his gaze briefly before glancing down again. Yes, he… he remembers that. He remembers how shy he'd been, how uncertain, at first, he was about showing them the song. about singing it for them.

(Uncertain about whether he'd be accepted as one of them.)

"Too bad Garnet's not here," he murmurs, plucking the strings again. "We could sing it for them."

Pearl laughs, resting her chin in her hand. "Maybe next time."

The gems hum in agreement. Agate ends up seating herself on the table while Tangerine, Berry and Amethyst fight over places to sit, when Amethyst seems to realize she had accidentally willingly given up her seat beside Steven and tries to nudge Berry out of the way to take her spot back, which sparks up some brief drama that mostly only consists of the gems pushing and shoving at each other as they try to claim their spots on the couch. Steven ends up sliding down to the floor to sit beside Pearl after a few moments, which causes Amethyst and Berry to fall over each other while Tangerine just sits back and kicks one leg up over the other, shrugging. "I know some other songs, though," Steven hums, and that gets the other gems' attention at once. Amethyst and Pearl practically light up, and Berry's gaze is as intent as ever as she sits up and fixes her eyes on him again. Lemon Lime looks intrigued, and Candy and Tangerine look excited. Steven does a quick headcount while Sage and Clementine retreat to the counter, seating themselves on the stools and turning to face them, and lets out a low, satisfied hum. Aside from Garnet and Greg, everyone that stays at the beach house now is there. It's perfect.

Almost perfect - but he'll make do with that. The hybrid looks down again, strumming through the chords again and narrowing his eyes as he thinks about what song to introduce them to first. There's so many, so many he can think of now. He wants to sing all of them for them, wants to sing his heart out until he can't anymore, wants to go through all the songs until there's nothing left - but he knows he can't do that, because that's one thing he loves about music. It always changes, always grows. It's constant, but there's always a new tune to discover, a new melody. A new song. There's always something _new_ to explore, and that's everything he loves about it.

So he takes a breath, holds it for a moment, and then he just plays. And he just sings.

"Fly me to the moon  
And let me play among the stars  
Let me see what spring is like  
On Jupiter and Mars…"

His voice rises, lowers, softens when necessary, and his fingers move over the strings accordingly. A soft smile spreads across his face, which doesn't take long to turn into a grin. Tangerine sits up and leans in beside him, looking fascinated; he feels Berry's gaze fixed on the back of his head. Everyone is staring, alternating glances between him and his instrument. They all look mixtures of transfixed, stunned, amazed. Steven, despite himself, tunes them all out.

"In other words, hold my hand  
In other words, baby, kiss me

Fill my heart with song  
Let me sing forever more  
You are all I long for  
All I worship and adore

In other words, please be true  
In other words, I love you…"

* * *

He sings to Berry, sitting beside her on the beach, watching the waves. It's one of their 'off days', one of the days she doesn't feel like training or working, one of the days they just relax while everyone else bustles about. He appreciates these days, when Berry's just willing to sit and talk with him about nothing in particular, and everything, like they used to do. This time, Steven has his ukulele, as per usual, since he and that thing are damn near inseparable at this point. He strums it every now and again, looking at the waves silently as they crash against the shore. Berry's the first one to break the silence, an intense gaze focused on him once again. "You know, you look happier with that thing than you've ever been," she comments idly. Steven just lets out a low hum of agreement, a small smile appearing on his face as he nods.

"Yeah…" He strums again, breathing in deeply as if he can _inhale_ the music, breathe it in and let it become a part of him, ingrained deep into his lungs, his heart, his soul. "Music makes me…" He trails off, because 'happy' doesn't seem like an appropriate word. Music makes his heart sing, it makes his stomach churn, it makes his blood pump faster, it makes him just… _buzz._ He can't explain what music does to him, he can't explain what the sound of his ukulele does to him. He knows it's indescribable but amazing, something he knows he's lucky to experience. Something he doesn't know how he went so long without. "It just… I love it. I love… music."

"I can tell," Berry snorts. Steven looks up, briefly, to catch a glimpse of her somewhat quizzical expression as she stares at the instrument, and he can't help but smile. "Though I don't _get_ it."

"It's music," Steven tells her immediately. "There's nothing to get."

"There's everything to get," Berry argues, arching an eyebrow at him before dropping her gaze back to the ukulele, a cautious look of intrigue flicking across her face as she stares at it. "There's a reason you like it so much. It's something, something to you. So there's something to get, something I'm missing. I just don't understand the point," she admits. "I mean, what _is_ it?"

"It's…" Steven trails off helplessly for a moment, because he doesn't know how to explain, how to put it down in words what music and song means to him, how it makes him feel, what it is. It's everything. It's absolutely _everything_. "It's everything," he begins. "And it's _in_ everything." She looks at him curiously, confusedly, at that, and Steven pauses again, then tilts his head toward the ocean. On cue, another wave slaps against the sand, and Steven's smile turns into a grin. It sounds like drums, like cymbals. It's perfect. "Like that. There's music in everything, Berry."

Berry studies him, then the ocean, still looking confused. He thinks it's the first time he's ever seen her genuinely baffled by anything; most other things, she grasps pretty quickly. But this…

… will take some persuasion.

"Sing with me," he offers, and she shoots him a look, eyebrows raising.

"Sing?" She repeats, looking quizzical. "With you?"

Steven smiles slightly in response and nods, inclining his head toward her briefly before looking back down at the ukulele. He starts up a slow melody at first, but it quickens on its own accord. Still, he lets it; he lets his fingers lead him, lets the music form on its own. Berry watches him silently, eyebrows furrowed as his fingers move over the chords, and he sticks his tongue out slightly as he continues on, narrowing his eyes in concentration. Alright, here goes everything.

"Nothing…" He begins, and smiles. Oh, he knows exactly where he's going with this.

"Is holding you back now  
No one… can push you around  
What do you wanna do?" Steven looks up then, catching Berry's gaze. She no longer looks so confused, the understanding rapidly flitting across her face as she stares at him, and he grins. She's getting it. Slowly, but surely, she's getting it - and he couldn't be happier right then.

"You're the master of you  
And isn't the thought enough  
To lift you off of the ground?"

He stops singing, keeps playing. Berry looks at him, just stares for a moment, then drops her gaze to the ukulele again. It takes her a few moments to understand that he's waiting for her, but even then, her mouth opens and closes a few times without success, and he watches a dark red blush dust across her face as she stares at the instrument. It takes her a few good seconds - and he waits patiently, understanding, remembering when he, himself, had been young and shy about finding his own voice, about singing openly, about playing music - to form the words.

"Nothing," she's cautious, uncertain. But her voice is beautiful, matching the music, the melody almost perfectly. And she grows even stronger, even more confident, as she continues on.

"Is holding me back now  
No one can push me around  
What do I wanna be?" Berry pauses, quirking an eyebrow. She looks up at him and he smiles, inclining his head, a silent reassurance that she's doing perfectly. He watches her confidence seem to grow even further, even as her cheeks turn a slightly darker shade of red, and even as she averts her gaze and refuses to look at him again after that as she continues to sing.

"I'm the master of me  
And isn't the thought enough  
To lift me off of the ground…?"

"We could be," Steven sings, "independent together!"

"Independent together…" Berry continues slowly. "We can _fly…_ "

"Independent together-" The way their voices fuse is awkward at first, unsteady, uncertain on Berry's end. And then he sees it. He sees her expression light up, he sees her eyes widen, he sees the realization set in, and it makes his heart soar, his stomach flip, makes him _sparkle._ That's it, that's what it does to him. It makes him feel like he's sparkling, weightless, glittering like… like a diamond. It makes him feel like he's everything, like he's on top of the damn world.

"Independent together  
Independent together, you and I…!"

* * *

He sings to himself, because he can, because he wants to, because he deserves it. He deserves the music, the songs. He deserves to be able to sing, after so long of being deprived.

"If I could begin to be…  
Half of what you think of me  
I could do about anything  
I could even learn how to love," he sings when he's alone, escaping to Rose's Fountain when things get too intense for him, when he just needs a moment to himself, just to cool off and swim. That's what he's doing now, where he is, floating backwards in the water. He brushes the flowers away when they drift over to him, and though he doesn't look toward the statue yet, he knows it's there. He can feel its presence like it's _her_ presence, watching over him. He wonders when such a thing had stopped making him feel so anxious, when it had become the… somewhat of a comfort that it seems to be now. Because it is. It is. It's oddly comforting, in the strangest of ways. He's never felt her stronger than he does when he's here, at the fountain.

"When I see the way you act  
Wondering when I'm coming back  
I could do about anything  
I could even learn how to love… like you…  
Love like you…" He stops to breathe, to smile, to close his eyes and just listen. There's no instruments, he doesn't dare bring his ukulele into the water. But he still hears the music.

"I always thought I might be bad  
Now I'm sure that it's true, 'cause  
I think you're so good  
And I'm nothing like you

Look at you go! I just adore you  
I wish that I knew…  
What makes you think I'm so  
Special…"

* * *

He sings to Peridot.

He's careful when he does it, sitting at the counter, strumming his ukulele while Pearl cooks. Steven likes to watch her cook, but mostly because it gives him an excuse to sit there and stare at Peridot's gem for as long as he wants to until the food is ready. Now, however, he's more or less occupied with his ukulele, but not too occupied that he doesn't feel Peridot there with him. She's poofed, tucked away in her gem, but somehow, he still feels her. He feels the grief and the pain that radiates from her gem, as dormant and cold and lifeless as it looks and feels. It's almost comforting - almost, and it would be, if he didn't know how much pain she's in right now. He'd give anything to be able to take that pain away, but he knows that he can't. He doesn't have the tools to be able to do that, and for once, he knows it'd be better if he doesn't try to. She deserves to be able to grieve in her own way. He just wants her to know that he's there for her.

He plays for her, and Pearl hums softly along to the music as she twirls around the kitchen, collecting pots and pans and necessary materials to cook. He watches her for a moment, then trails his gaze back to the gem. The perfect song pops into his head, almost a little too abruptly.

"Life and death and love and birth  
And peace and war on the planet Earth  
Is there anything that's worth more  
Than peace and love on the planet Earth?" He pauses for a moment, but continues to strum. The song makes his throat close up, and he has to clear it a few times before he goes on.

"Come on and sing it with me…  
The words relate to the key…  
If it's a pattern, if it's a pattern…  
Then just repeat after me…"

* * *

And lastly, but not least… he sings to Lapis.

He doesn't mean to, he doesn't even know why. It's just one of those days he's thinking about her more than usual, the days he can't get her out of his head, and no amount of music can shake it. Because it all reminds him of her. The waves against the beach, the rustling of leaves, even the sound of his ukulele. He doesn't know why, but each strum, each chord, it just brings back memories of her. Memories of her, and soaring through the sky, giggling as he shows her Earth and all its beauties in the hopes that she'll stay. He finds himself completely mesmerized by these memories, replaying them over and over again in his head as he strums his ukulele absently, seated on the roof. It's the middle of the night and he knows he shouldn't be awake, but he can't sleep. And he doesn't want to try. Despite himself, he's so full of… so much energy. And the memories make him certain that if he sleeps now, he'll definitely have a nightmare.

So he doesn't sleep. He sits and plays his ukulele, eyes fixed on the stars. Remembers how hard he'd tried to make her feel at home here, remembers how alienated she had felt, after so long being trapped alone in a mirror. His heart aches for her as it had done so then, but now even more because he understands. Maybe he wasn't trapped for thousands of years, but to a human, and for Steven, any amount of time spent alone like that, where every choice is stripped away from him and he has nothing left but himself and an empty room with flickering lights, it's just as maddening as he imagines she felt. And maybe it's not the same, maybe it was worse for her. But he feels like he can understand, at least on some level. He feels like maybe now they'd have a little more in common. Their fear of Homeworld, of being alone, of how strange it feels to be here on this planet, on _Earth._ He wishes he could talk about all of this with her now.

He strums, and stops. His gaze trails across the sky for a moment, then down to the house. And then he's just moving, moving without his permission, getting up and hopping down from the roof before he can stop himself. He walks inside, shutting the door silently and being careful not to wake up his father or any of the sleeping gems, and makes his way over to the warp pad. He stands still for a moment, frozen where he stands. Pumpkin raises up a little from her place beside Amethyst, and he stills, hoping she won't start barking at him. But she doesn't; she simply pushes herself up and trots over to him, hopping onto the warp pad with him, and he breathes out a soft sigh of relief as he reaches down to stroke her stem carefully. Only then does he activate the warp, and prays that it won't wake up any of the gems when he does so.

He doesn't know how to explain this to them.

Pumpkin runs ahead at once, silent, and Steven is slower to follow. The sight of the barn up ahead is daunting, and it tugs at his heartstrings in ways he knows he'll never be able to articulate. He clutches the ukulele tighter as Pumpkin nudges her way inside, wedging in through the cracks in the door and managing to slip inside. Steven takes a moment to pull it open further before he follows, enough to allow a little bit of moonlight to shine inside as well.

It's all exactly the same. He hadn't taken note of anything during his visit to Peridot, hadn't dared to look around. Now everything inside is screaming at him, staring him right in the face, and he has no choice but to look. The sight of it all makes him want to cry, but he doesn't.

Pumpkin whimpers, jumping into the hammock. It swings a little, and she huddles down as it does, whining as she rolls over and presses herself into the net. Steven frowns, moving over.

"You miss her too, don't you?" He asks quietly, and Pumpkin whines again, rolling back over. Steven reaches out to pet her again, taking another quick look around. "I know the feeling." He shivers a little suddenly, then slowly turns to get a better look at all of the meep morps. He recognizes several of them; the leaf, the tape recorder, the television replaying that one specific Camp Pining Hearts scene _("I just feel trapped, I just feel trapped, I just feel trapped-")_ and he remembers each one vividly, remembers when they had first been presented to him. He remembers her, he remembers Lapis, standing there as she explains. _("This is a baseball bat. It reminds me of the time I played baseball." "This is the leaf Steven gave me. It reminds me of the time Steven gave me a leaf.")_ He remembers, and it hurts… and yet, he still laughs a little.

He closes his eyes, clutching the ukulele closer, and _remembers._

_("I know you can't go back to Homeworld, but if you stay here, it'll be your choice to stay here.")_

_It'll be your choice to stay here._

The wind whistles again. Steven blinks his eyes open, breathing in a lungful of the cold air, and tilts his head back to look up at the ceiling. His grip on the ukulele tightens a little, but he doesn't move to play it again. He just stands there, eyes on the ceiling, just… listening. Just… waiting. He doesn't know what he's waiting for, doesn't even know why. But he knows that he's waiting.

It was her choice. It was her choice to never have to go back again, to not live in fear, to not worry about what the Diamonds would do to her if they ever found her. And she'd given that up. She'd given up her freedom, she'd given up her entire life, just to risk the chance of _saving_ him.

She'd done that. She'd done that for him. To get him out of the danger that he'd put himself in. To get him out of the mess he'd created. To free him from the choice that _he_ had made.

And he had. He'd made the choice to go. _It'll be your choice to stay here._

He trembles, every part of him. He doesn't know if it's from the cold or if it's from something else, but he trembles, and he shivers, and he shudders. He feels it, all of a sudden, deep in his bones. He feels the overwhelming need, the desire to stay. To stay and fight for his home. Because this is _his_ home. This is _his_ planet. Back then, when he'd stayed on that ship with Aquamarine and Topaz, he'd thought that the decision wasn't really a choice. Just one he was being forced to make. But it was a choice; one he doesn't regret completely, but one he knows he'd never dare to make again. He knows more now than he did before. He can do more now than he could before. And he will never, _ever_ let Homeworld threaten his planet, not ever again.

Pumpkin presses up beside him. Steven sinks to his knees after a moment, slowly and gently, and rests a hand overtop of her. She melts into the touch, nuzzling up against his fingers. "This is my home," he mumbles aloud, to her, to the barn, to _everything_. "This is my _home."_ He pauses again, taking a deep breath, and pushes on, "this is _my_ home. It's _my_ choice to stay."

Pumpkin whines, sinks against him. Steven lets her nuzzle up against his leg, lowering his hand back to the ukulele and clutching it a little tighter. He feels like a weight has just been lifted from his shoulders, like the words had freed him from some invisible chain weighing him down. So he repeats them, he repeats them until he believes them, until he can make himself believe them. "It's my choice to stay. It's my choice to stay, and fight for my planet. _This_ is _my_ planet." His fingers twitch, dragging over the strings as he mumbles, "it's my choice. And I choose to fight." He strums again, with shaking fingers, and squeezes his eyes shut as tight as possible.

He'll never put anyone in that position. He never wants anyone to make the choice Lapis made.

_(And he never wants to make that choice, himself, again.)_

"I choose to fight." He exhales, another weight lifted, and sits back. His fingers curl around the ukulele, strumming softly. He doesn't start up another melody, doesn't have the energy to do so, but he doesn't need to. The music, the music from everything else, it's still there. He just _sings_.

"Here comes a wave  
Meant to wash me away  
A tide that is taking me under  
Swallowing sand, left with nothing to say  
My voice drowned out in the thunder…" He stops for a second, putting the ukulele down. Pumpkin takes the chance to crawl into his arms immediately, and he pulls her a little closer.

"But I won't cry," he murmurs, kissing her head.

"I won't start to crumble  
Whenever they try  
To shut me, or cut me, down…

I won't be silenced  
You can't keep me quiet  
Won't tremble when you try it  
All I know is I won't go speechless  
Speechless…"

He sings. He sings for Lapis, and for himself. He wonders what she felt, if it had been like this, this kind of determination. Wonders how close she'd gotten, if she knew she wouldn't make it, if she thought that she would, if none of it mattered as long as there was a chance she could. Wonders if she really knew what she was walking into - because it was Lapis, she must have. He's touched, he really is, but it _hurts_ all the same, the knowledge that she was willing to walk - ah, fly - right into danger for him. Risk her life just for his. He doesn't know if he's worth it, even now, he doesn't believe he is. But she thought he was. She thought he was worth dying for. His voice wavers as he continues, but both him and Pumpkin pretend not to notice it.

"'Cause I'll breathe  
When they try to suffocate me  
Don't you underestimate me  
All I know is I won't go speechless…"


End file.
